10 Surprising Things I Learned About Male Sexuality From Interviewing Men
I am a sexuality researcher, coach and content creator. Every week I talk to scores of men from different countries, walks of life, religions and age groups.
We start talking about sex. We end up talking about the self. That’s typically how it goes in my world because sexuality is such an inherent and encompassing part of our complete being.
The present day assessment of male sexuality is that it’s quite unidimensional — primal and performative. This mindset assumes that there is no nuance to men’s relationship to their sexuality, that they are disproportionately ruled by their desire to fornicate and to demonstrate sexual prowess, and that their behavior is devoid of connection and intimacy.
Let me tell you — nothing could be further from the truth. Here are some of the surprising things I’ve learned from my 1:1 interviews with men as a sexuality researcher and coach.
- Just as women’s sexuality is put into rigid and unforgiving boxes, so is men’s.
From adolescence and above, men are expected to succeed at performance metrics — how big, how many, how long, how far.
2. Sexual dysfunction in men such as erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation often has psychological roots instead of physiological ones. However, unearthing these causes takes time and skill that men don’t often have access to, and asking for help is taboo. Therefore, off to the little blue pill we go, the quick fix, the band-aid.
3. With advances in AI and technology, chat, sex and relationship bots are being adopted at unprecedented rates by men. (Eg. Replika boasts a 70/30 split of men/women). Surprisingly, men on these sites say they are looking to solve for loneliness and a lack of intimacy first, then sexual release.
4. Andropause — which is a decline in testosterone as men age, characterized by low libido, hair loss, reduced muscle density and more — is real. Except very few men outside of the medical profession are even aware of its existence. Imagine thinking something is wrong with you, instead of understanding is as part of the natural aging process for men.
5. Gender, race and sexuality is a complex intersection. Black men are fetishised, Asian men are written off as not sexy or sexual enough.
Men long to be seen for who they are, not a stereotype they represent.
6. Men experience sexual shame in many ways. — about their bodies (penis size, hair, weight), their porn use, same-sex intimacy and how much they masturbate (Gordon, 2017). Like women experience “slut-shaming”, men too are shamed for being promiscuous (or not promiscuous enough).
7. Men feel like women are more at liberty to experiment with their sexuality than they are. For example, a woman with a sex toy is considered empowered and an ambassador for self-pleasure.
A man with a sex toy (and no partner) is just creepy.
8. Men confess that modern day views of what masculinity “should” be holds back the conversation. As an example, one interviewee offered that it’s easier to be a gay man than to be a polyamorous man in 2024 — “real” men don’t want to share their wives.
9. In the absence of real conversation and education, boys turn to pornography or (worse) other boys for sex information. In addition, boys may tend to seek out sex before they are emotionally ready because it’s the only type of physical intimacy they are allowed.
“You can’t ask your buddies for a hug”. — K, 48.
10. Many men have a complicated relationship with when a woman takes the lead, sexually. On one hand, that’s “supposed” to be their role. On the other hand, they are glad to be relieved of the pressure to lead.
Being the sexual initiator all the time hits at men’s self worth — am I even attractive to this person?
In short, it seems like we have a lot to learn about men’s complex and evolving sexuality. To learn more about my research, sign up for my newsletter at www.kaamnalive.com. You can also be part of my research by filling out this form.
References:
Gordon, A. M. (2018). How Men Experience Sexual Shame: The Development and Validation of the Male Sexual Shame Scale. The Journal of Men’s Studies, 26(1), 105–123. https://doi-org.tc.idm.oclc.org/10.1177/1060826517728303
