How Mama Got Her Groove Back
Show me one example of healthy sexuality in a mother in mainstream media.
Midge Maisel: Actively dating, absent mother.
Cersei Lannister: Devoted mother, banging her brother.
Gloria from Modern Family: Latin — doesn’t count.
In 2023 we laud mothers for being superwomen because they can supposedly balance a life inside and outside the home (questionable) but when it comes to their sexuality, we need them to be singularly unidimensional. “Good moms” drive and bake and “bad moms” have sex drives and cocktails.
You’re either a MILF competing with her daughter or a cougar flirting with your son’s friends.
How many ads for Botox or anti-aging treatments were served up to you on social media as Mother’s Day gifts? That’s what they tell us moms should want.
I firmly believe that in order to change mindsets, you have to understand what cause them in the first place. To that end, here’s a quick rundown of why sexuality and motherhood still makes us super uncomfortable (with remedial steps right after so stick with me):
- The patriarchy is responsible for many of still believing that sex is for reproduction and not for pleasure and if there is pleasure to be had, it is for men. The “sex for procreation” mantra also makes it hard for people to believe that sexual pleasure and intimacy is important as they age, particularly as women hit menopause even though the research shows that people who have healthy sex lives experience higher life satisfaction in later stages of life.
- Capitalism has us wrapped in a “busyness epidemic” which leaves us exhausted and depleted with no time for intimacy or pleasure. Leisure is a dirty word and we judge ourselves for taking time for anything that is not considered productive” Combine this with the age-old archetype of the mother as all-sacrificing and moms get the shortest end of the stick. We’re doing more than ever with less (familial, community and government) support. The toll on our mental, physical and spiritual health is telling.
- Our conflicted relationship with sexuality as a society means that we simply don’t want to see it as an active and healthy part of our parents. And by not acknowledging it, we continue to add more angst and confusion to the mix, perpetuating the cycle.
So what can we do?
It’s simple. Mama, you must choose you.
Choose pleasure: Give legitimacy to your desires. Eat what feels good to you, be around people that give you joy, engage in activities that fulfill your soul. Tend to your senses as much as you can.
Choose honesty: Ask for help when you need it, say you’re depleted when it feels like it, demand to be witnessed, not just on hallmark holidays but every day.
Choose a win-win: Establishing a balance between kid time and adult time is good for everybody. Children only gain from seeing healthy intimacy in action and let’s face it, an all PG existence lacks a certain luster.
Choose courage: Changing archaic stereotypes takes time and fortitude. Showing up as your full self may draw disapproval from sources near and far.
It’s not selfish or irresponsible to show up as your full self. It’s essential.
Let’s change the narrative from mothers who are constantly selfless to mothers who are SELF-FULL.
Because the motherhood that gets all of me is the best kind of motherhood.
Happy Mother’s Day.
