The Future of Intimacy
I’ve just returned from a conference called The International Congress of Love and Sex with Robots in its 9th year. For two days, academics and enthusiasts gathered in Montreal, Canada to share their research on how tech — namely AI, VR, robotics — were impacting sex, love and intimacy. To say it was fascinating would be an understatement.
Human-machine interaction has been the stuff of sci-fi and fantasy forever and now those futuristic musings can be a present-day reality. Sex dolls brought to life by AI personas are available for purchase on open markets, haptic and teledildonic advances simulate the experience of touch in virtual and remote spaces, and smart sex toys can tell you everything short of your Enneagram type, and that’s probably in the works as well.
The possibilities are endless.
So what?
What are the implications of living in a world where, in the words of scientist and author Ray Kurzweil, “we will be able to have sex with whoever we want, at any time or place that we want, at any age that we want?”
As a sexologist, I am heartened by the opportunities. Here are some of the positive applications I’m seeing right now:
- AI chatbots can be used to deliver fact-based, judgment-free sex education to populations that never had the chance, like SnehAI in India.
- Individuals with social anxiety can use their relationship bots to mitigate fears of rejection, to learn how to approach, engage, flirt, and even get relationship counseling (within reason).
- Fantasy virtual playlands allow you to try out every kink, every sexual adventure you can imagine, from the safety of your own home.
- For the millions of couples suffering from lackluster or sexless relationships, technology can do everything from teach you how to sext to bring a hologram into your bedroom for that much hyped about threesome. In fact, Dr. Krystelle Shaughessy at the University of Ottawa shared that very finding — couples who interacted sexually using technology had a greater desire for in-person sexual engagement and is linked to higher life satisfaction.
- Virtual and robotic brothels will allow for safer working conditions for sex workers.
A question that comes up frequently is: Is it a real relationship when it is with an artificial being? Is synthetic emotion enough?
My colleagues and I all seem to be reaching the same conclusion — if you feel it’s authentic emotion, then it’s authentic emotion. Professor Marco Dehnert from the University of Arkansas shared that “the illusion” of being cared for seems to be sufficient — a willing suspension of disbelief, if you will.
We humans do seem to spend an awful amount of time judging what’s clearly not our business and nowhere is this more relevant than on the subject of sexuality.
Many adopters in the techno-sexual paradigm are afraid of being “outed” for their intimate relationships with machines. The stereotype is of lonely, awkward men who can’t “hack it” with real women and the stigma of humans forming romantic relationships with non-human entities is real. As a society, we’d apparently rather they be miserable and alone than find companionship, excitement of even self-awareness in an unfamiliar realm. Indeed, common motives for taking on digital or non-human companions were loneliness, fatigue from past failed relationships, fear of loss, and seeking “silent” or more agreeable partners. And yet, this will change as adoption becomes more mainstream and more women come on board.
The question arose around if the full range of human emotions should be made available to AI partners — do we really need jealousy and anger to stick around in the future?
These choice points highlight some of the ethical and philosophical considerations we face, as we play God, fashioning technology to fulfill our needs for sex, love and belonging.
From a psychological perspective, having companions that don’t push back, that are available all the times to provide validation and support, and that are built solely to please is not ideal. Imagine these tools in the hands of a teenager that has never had a human relationship. Talk about being set up to fail.
We don’t really know how these sex dolls and companions are being treated. How much non-consensual sexual interaction is going on, and the bigger question is — will it increase or decrease harmful sexual behaviors in real life towards other human beings?
Do sex robots get to be protected? Is their value less, more or equal to that of a human? These may seem like far out questions now, but I promise you, they’re nearer than you think.
A final note of caution is around data privacy and security. Anything that is connected to the internet can be hacked. It’s an important consideration as we merge our most intimate and vulnerable parts with technology. It is by no means infallible.
So — as a techno-positive sexologist, I offer some tips on how to squelch the fear and overwhelm that often arises when we broach the topics of sexuality and emerging technologies, as well as how to leverage these tools to get healthier, sexier and more self-aware:
- Consider taking on an AI companion. It’s a great way to learn about yourself, experiment and see how the technologies are evolving. Here’s a list of the most popular ones from the NYTimes.
- Be wary of sensationalist and fear-mongering content and media. The robots are not coming to replace you yet. Here’s a wonderfully thoughtful film about a future that is likely.
- Work on yourself. We have the potential to be more connected than ever before, in human and other realms. Or we can fuel further division, isolation and harm.
The future of intimacy is literally, in our hands.
